Funny Word Stuff

Here's a collection of bloopers and other funny stuff to do with words. If you have a funny story to share, please contact us.

English As She Is Wrote

The following specimens come from D Appleton and Co, English As She is Wrote (1883). The preface to that book says: "Intentionally humorous efforts have been carefully excluded, and the interest of the collection consists in the spontaneity of expression and in the fact that it offers fair samples of the possibilities which lie hidden in the orthography and construction of our language."

Newspaper Quotes

"Wanted—A room by two gentlemen 30 feet long and 20 feet wide."

"I saw a man digging a well with a big nose."

"A pearl was found today by a sailor in a shell."

Not Quite What Was Meant

"When a gentleman and lady are walking upon the street, the lady should walk inside of the gentleman."

"If you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stay there all night."

Signs and Advertisements

"Babies taken and finished in ten minutes by a photographer."

"The seats in this cabin are reserved for ladies. Gentlemen are requested not to occupy them until the ladies are seated."

"All persons are forbidden to throw ashes on this lot under penalty of the law or any other garbage."

A restaurant displays the sign: "Oysters. Open all night."

A baker displays the sign: "Family Baking Done Here."

The Things Children Say

Here are some words as defined by young children:

• Circumference—Distance around the middle of the outside
• Dust—Mud with the juice squeezed out
• Fan—A thing to brush warm off with
• Salt—What makes your potato taste bad when you don't put any on
• Snoring—Letting off sleep
• Wakefulness—Eyes all the time coming unbuttoned

A teacher asked his class what an "average" is. Several students pleaded ignorance, but one at last replied, "It is what a hen lays on." This answer puzzled the teacher; but the boy persisted, stating that he had read it in his little book of facts. He was then told to bring the little book, and, on doing so, he pointed triumphantly to a paragraph commencing: "The domestic hen lays on an average fifty eggs each year."

Matters of Precision

Sneezing

A scientist defined sneezing as "a phenomenon provoked either by an excitation brought to bear on the nasal membrane or by a sudden shock of the sun's rays on the membranes of the eye. This peripheral irritation is transmitted by the trifacial nerve to the Gasserian ganglion, whence it passes by a commissure to an agglomeration of globules in the medulla oblongata or in the protuberance; from this point, by a series of numerous reflex and complicated acts, it is transformed by the mediation of the spinal cord into a centrifugal excitation which radiates outward by means of the spinal nerves to the expiratory muscles."

English as She is Taught

Here is a list of kids' genuine answers to school exam questions. The list comes from a much larger collection by Caroline B Le Row in the book English as She is Taught (1887).

"Every sentence ... must begin with a caterpillar."

"A verb is something to eat."

"Adverbs should always be used as adjectives and adjectives as adverbs."

"The horses run fastly. This is an adverb."

"All sentences are either simple or confound."

"Germany has very little clubbable land."

"When we read we come across words that when we hear them spoken of we are entirely ignorant of them."

"Your the same as dead when your asleep and things that are making you pleasant now will one day make you sorry."

"The only form of government in Greece was a limited monkey."

"Vowel sounds are made by keeping the mouth wide open and consonant sounds by keeping it shut."

"Emphasis is putting more distress on one word than another."

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The Devil's Dictionary

The following "definitions" come from a much larger collection in The Devil's Dictionary by Amrose Beirce. The Devil's Dictionary began in a weekly paper in 1881, and continued intermittently until 1906. In that year, a large part of the work was published as The Cynic's Word Book, which was reissued in 1911 as The Devil's Dictionary.

ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.

DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice.

FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable.

FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.

PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.

Member Contributions

Ball-point Pens

(contributed by Troy Simpson)

In 1954, Chief Justice Dixon of the Australian High Court described a ball-point pen: "The ball which transfers the ink to the paper revolves in a collar. The inner revolving face is in contact with a column of viscous ink and carries the ink out as it rolls round so as to become the outer face of the ball. The reservoir which contains the column of viscous ink is a capillary tube or duct the diameter of which should not exceed 4 mm. The capillary tube is open to the air at the end furthest from the ball, or at all events at that end there is an air vent. At that end a concave meniscus is formed at the interface of the viscous fluid and the air. It is formed because of the surface tension of the liquid and its adhesion to the walls of the tube. The ball is very small. At the place where the viscous fluid is in contact with the ball the diameter of the vein is smaller and accordingly the meniscus of the surface of the viscous ink is of less radius. When the pen is turned down to write the ball suffices to overcome the effect of gravity. But when it is inverted the greater strength of the smaller meniscus, or to state it more accurately, the decreased pressure at that surface and the atmospheric pressure operating over a greater surface at the other end, suffice to overcome gravity. The viscosity of the ink absorbs ordinary shocks which would break the meniscus of a more liquid ink. The result is to give a pen which will write until the vein of ink is exhausted and in which ordinary use will not interrupt or break the continuity of the vein. However if the pen is used to write vertically upwards or at a high angle the ball may lose contact with the ink and as the ball rotates draw in air causing a distortion of the meniscus and a consequent failure to sustain the weight of the column of ink. To restore the pen to its function it will be enough to point the pen downward again and write so as to rotate the ball. The ink will flow back to contact with the inner face of the ball and the pen will write again." (Martin v Scribal Pty Ltd (1954) 92 CLR 18.)