Howlers

A howler (sometimes called a flub, blunder, or blooper) is an unconsciously humorous use – or misuse – of English.

We're collecting some of our favourite howlers in the forthcoming book, Funny English Errors. Read below for just a small selection of howlers, many of which will appear in our book.

If you know a genuine howler that we can add to our collection, please contact us with the details.

School essays and exam answers

English

• A metaphor is a thing you shout through
• The parts of speech are lungs and air
• An example of a collective noun is a garbage can

Geography

• The equator is a menagerie lion running around the center of the earth
• In Russia there are vast carnivorous forests
• Rivers flow because no-one can stop them

History

• In preparation for the channel crossing Caesar built 18 new vesuls vessils vesles botes
• Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands
• Jefferson believed in laissez-fairyism

Law and government

• The seats of Senators shall be vaccinated every six years
• A child’s definition of jury: A body of men organized to find out which has the smartest lawyer
• Ethics is a county in England

Mathematics

• An angle is a triangle with only two sides
• A triangle is a square with only three corners
• The line opposite the right angle is a right-angled triangle and is called the hippopotamus

Religion and society

• Sins of omission are those we have forgotten to do
• The seventh commandment (translated by a 4 year old): Thou shalt not kick a duckery
• Thou shalt not come into the country

Science

• Ice is water that staid out in the cold too late and went to sleep
• Air is the most necessary of all the elements; if there were no such thing as air I would not be writing this essay now; also there would be no pneumatic tires, which would be a sad loss
• Some oxygen molecules help fire to burn while others choose to help make water, so sometimes it is brother against brother

Vocabulary

• Circumference—Distance around the middle of the outside
• Dust—Mud with the juice squeezed out
• Fan—A thing to brush warm off with
• Salt—What makes your potato taste bad when you don't put any on
• Snoring—Letting off sleep
• Wakefulness—Eyes all the time coming unbuttoned

Miscellaneous

• Guerrilla warfare was when men rode on gorillas
• A sob is when a feller don’t mean to cry and it bursts out all by itself
• Unlike the human being the camel has two lumps

Newspapers

News

• Tiny Babies Do Worse in Exams
• Testimony Taken in Book Case
• Austrian Fleet Bombards Montenegro’s Only Teapot

Public notices

For sale

• Coffee, 39 cents lb. Stock up and Save. Limit: One.
• Handsome black silk golf goat (large size)
• Roofing: Its bright red color is permanent and will remain permanent

Signs

• Barber's sign: Hair cut while you wait
• Butcher's sign: Try our sausages. None like them.
• A tailor’s guarantee: If the smallest hole appears after six months’ wear, we will make another absolutely free

Lost

• A small pony belonging to a young lady with a silver mane and tail
• Wallet belonging to a young man made of calf skin
• A collie dog by a man on Saturday answering to Jim with a brass collar around his neck and a muzzle

Wanted

• Two strong, clean youths for sausages
• Precast concrete man
• Woman to run up curtains

Other

• From a list of forthcoming productions at the Theatre Royal: Boo early.
• The fees for burial will in the future be doubled, in order to meet the increased cost of present-day living
• Every woman who wants the most economical new garment, should buy tomorrow’s newspaper